i love my husband

to the mother of my children,

From: Jared

Sent: Fri 6/29/07 8:08 PM

To: Katrina

My precious partner,

I emailed you to this email because I know you check it. My heart is so full right now, after first reading your "m" word post and then talking to the kids about what to call you. Grace once again insisted she wants to call you "mommy," and I suggested "imma" (Hebrew) or "mummy" for Isaac and Olivia. You make a good point that with all you do for them, it is only fitting that you have a special name.

One funny little thing--Grace was saying something about us being here and added, "because Mommy doesn't belong here!" I am so grateful that we have created a space for these children, a space where we can nurture stability and boundaries saturated with love. You fulfill my dreams, my beautiful angel. Thank you for being that angel, that messenger of God who came into my life and made me whole--more complete than I have ever been.

I like the double meaning of the subject--the obvious, that we will have beautiful children together whom we will love and raise together, children who will weld us even more closely together, and the fact that you are becoming more and more of a mother to my children, my dear friends whom I love and care so much for. I have ached that we will have a complete family and they never will, but this summer has already shown me that they too can bask in the fullness of our love.

I love you more, my goddess.

Yours forever,

Jared


Isn't that a most lovely email? Last night I left right after Jared got home from work to go the temple with my friend Jennifer. After a long a session, we got dinner and I didn't get home until about 11 o'clock. And this is what was waiting for me! Besides Jared and the kids all still awake! This email totally got me all misty-eyed. My husband is so good with words. I have hundreds of beautiful emails from him, but after the past two weeks with the kids, this one meant so very much to me. I wanted to share. Thank you, Jared. I love you!

the 'm' word

Being a step-parent presents an interesting question: What do the kids call me? While Jared and I were dating and engaged, they called me appropriately "Katrina". I never thought much of it. That's my name, of course that is how they would address me. But now that Jared and I are married and the kids are living with us, the situation is a little different. I am more than just a friend. I am a parent. And every day our relationships as parent and children deepen and strengthen. So it seems, the name they call me should reflect that. But where does that leave us? They already have a mom whom they call "Mommy".

I have thought about this quite a bit, wondering how this would develop. A while ago I read an article by a step-mom who suggested coming up with a special name for the step-children to call you. This shows the uniqueness and significance of the relationship. Here's how they handled it.

"When [my step-son began calling me "Mommy"], emotions ran very high. My stepson's biological mother felt threatened and thought she was losing her son's affections. Steven, my stepson, sensed his mother's feelings and became very upset each time he "slipped" and referred to me as "Mommy" in front of her. So, I asked Steven to think of a name just for me. Being four-years-old at the time, he decided to add an "a" to the end of my name [Jann] and call me "Jana." It's been more that five years now, and Steven continues to use that special name for me. Every time I hear it, I'm reminded of the close relationship that Steven and I have. "

This issue came up in our house last week. The kids do occasionally slip and call me Mommy, but its more in the way I slip and sometimes call Grace "Olivia" or vice versa. One day, when Isaac did this, Olivia said, "Why don't you call her 'step-mom'." Jared and I kinda laughed at that and said, no that's not really a name you use that way. Later, I told Jared about the aforementioned article, but it wasn't until last night that we talked to the kids about it. We were in the car when it came up. I asked them if they'd like to think of a special name to call me since I'm their step-mom. There were lots of silly answers from Grace and Isaac, mostly the names of animals. Jared suggested "Kiki", a nickname Jared's brother came up with. But Olivia said no, since Uncle Mike already calls me that. Then Grace said, "I want to call you Mommy!" We told her if she really wants to she can.

At home, she asked again if she could call me "Mommy". Again, we told her if she wants to she can. After brushing her teeth, she gave me a hug and said, "Goodnight, Mommy." Isaac also said "I love you, Mommy" in a trying it out sorta way. Olivia didn't really say anything about this one way or the other.

I don't know how this will play out. I'm not expecting them to all call me "Mommy". In fact, I'll be surprised if they do. I could definitely see Grace getting used to and even Isaac, but I don't know about Olivia. And it seems unlikely that the other two would call me "Mom" if Olivia doesn't. But again, I have no idea. I'm not going to press the issue. I'll let them take the lead. And I have no idea how their mother would feel about this. But I admit, it does feel nice to be called "Mommy". There's just something magical in that name.

So I ask all of you.... Any ideas for alternative names? What are your thoughts on this? Do you know of anyone who has dealt with this issue?

good read: Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

During every Family Vacation there is an obligatory trip to the nearest bookstore. This most recent trip, we visited a little place in Brainerd, Minnesota. There I saw Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides (author of The Virgin Suicides). My sister had heard good things about it and as you can see by the cover, it won the Pulitzer Prize, so I flipped it open and read the first sentence:

I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy, in an emergency room near Potoskey, Michigan, in August of 1974.

How's that for an attention grabber?! I was hooked and knew I had to keep reading.

Now, something you probably don't know about me is that I am pretty intrigued by gender identity issues. I have watched several documentaries and television shows on transgendered people (those who feel they were born into the wrong body) and read whatever articles I come across as well. Along these same lines, I'm also mildly fascinated with hermaphroditism. And that is what this book is actually about. The main character is a hermaphrodite, in this case, a genetic XY male who appears as a baby to have female genitalia. In fact, nobody knows Callie is actually a boy until she is 14.

The story really begins with Cal's grandparents--Greek immigrants who come to the US from Turkey in the 1920's. Their story, as well as Cal's parent's is very important to why Call is who he is. The author does an amazing job weaving the past and present together. The writing is descriptive without being boring. Eugenides is so good in fact that I wondered how he could write this without being a hermaphrodite himself. (He's not.) He takes the story of a girl who grows up to be a man and shows us how much Cal is like all of us. And how our family histories are part of who we are, whether we like it or not.

This book also happens to be Oprah's pick for the summer. I didn't realize that until after I read it, but I can definitely see why she chose it. It is at times heartbreaking, often funny, and full of poignant moments. This is a coming of age story like none I've ever read before. And totally deserving of the Pulitzer. I highly recommend it.

for the hell or heaven of it

I saw this quiz on another blog and thought I'd try it out. My results are below. It was relieving to see that I really am a Mormon. What I didn't know is that I am 90% Jehovah's Witness and 73% Baha'i Faith. Don't have a clue what that is or even how to pronounce it. Who knew I was so diverse?

The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa. Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

1. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (100%) 2. Jehovah's Witness (90%) 3. Orthodox Judaism (75%) 4. Bahá'í Faith (73%) 5. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (72%) 6. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (72%) 7. Sikhism (71%) 8. Islam (62%) 9. Orthodox Quaker (52%) 10. Eastern Orthodox (51%) 11. Roman Catholic (51%) 12. Reform Judaism (51%) 13. Liberal Quakers (49%) 14. Hinduism (48%) 15. Jainism (48%) 16. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (45%) 17. Seventh Day Adventist (45%) 18. Mahayana Buddhism (42%) 19. Theravada Buddhism (41%) 20. Unitarian Universalism (41%) 21. Neo-Pagan (25%) 22. New Thought (25%) 23. New Age (23%) 24. Scientology (20%) 25. Taoism (20%) 26. Secular Humanism (16%) 27. Nontheist (12%)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ISAAC!

Isaac turned 6 years old yesterday! He is probably the sweetest boy I know. He is so willing to share whatever he has. He loves to give hugs. He has the most darling smile. And those big brown eyes! Oh my, they melt my heart! (And look just like his Daddy's.) Isaac is a middle child through and through. Stuck between two very loud and sassy sisters, little Mr. Isaac has learned more quiet tactics to be heard. Isaac is an amazing little artist. He has a great sense for color and composition without even realizing it. And he also loves to take pictures! You can see from yesterday's post that he's pretty darn good. As the shyest of the bunch, it's taken longer to get to know Isaac and really feel like we are buds. But this summer has been great so far. There is little sound sweeter than hearing Isaac's child voice say, "I love you." I feel very lucky to have this boy in my life! As I heard Grace say today, "He's a good man!"

dancing the night away

Last night during Family Home Evening we sang primary songs and danced around the living room. All three kids are quite the little interpretive dancers. We had a lot of fun. We also went around the room and said what we loved about each person. Unfortunately, I didn't write them down last night and so this afternoon I totally can't remember. Oh well...

I've also been having fun turning my photos black and white the last few days. It helps turn pictures taken at night inside with a flash into something respectable.

These photos were taken by Isaac (edited by me):

I LOVE this one! I did very little cropping.

Self-portrait by Isaac
Singing and dancing with Olivia.
And me. I was the only one who would hold still and smile for Isaac. (Check out the awesome messy hair!)

morning snuggles

honesty and gratitude

For those of you out there unaware and wondering who the three beautiful children that have shown up on my blog are let me explain. I am a step-mother. Olivia is 7. Isaac turns 6 next week. And Grace turns 4 next month. Most people are pretty shocked to discover that my young-looking husband is very nearly 30 and the father of three. The kids have been living in Utah for the past year with their mother. They are the main reason why Jared got a gig teaching out here this summer. So for the next 2 1/2 months, the kids are living with us in Provo. Jared begins teaching on Monday--a rigorous intensive Biblical Hebrew course that meets for 4 hours every day. And I have jumped head-first into the role of stay-at-home-mom. Oh boy!

We've been in Provo for a week now. This is the first time that the kids have been with us 24/7 with no other family around since we've been married. I would be lying if I said this isn't a hard adjustment. I am 24 years old, less than two years out of college, married for less than 4 months, and suddenly I am acting as mom to three children. I feel like suddenly 7 or 8 years have passed without me knowing it. I have moments of disbelief that this is my life.

I have always known that being a mom is the toughest job out there. I watched my own mother raise 5 children. But knowing something intellectually and experiencing it are two very different things! Plus, most moms get one kid at a time. They get to adjust slowly. They get nine months to prepare for the birth. They get the experience of feeling that baby grow inside them. They feel the pain of birth and then get to watch that baby grow into a child seeing each stage of development and getting to learn, as their child grows, how to be a parent. And through all this they develop a bond with their child is like no other. It can't be replicated. There is something magical in hearing a child call for his mother. Seeing him reach out to her and say "I love you, Mommy."

That is where what I am doing is different. The day to day tasks are the same. I hug and kiss and clean and cook and discipline and talk and laugh and play. There are highs and lows. I deal with whining and disappointments and messes and tantrums. I brush away tears and wipe bottoms and draw baths. I snuggle and listen and pray.

But I am not their mother. I didn't bring them into this world. I didn't change their diapers. I haven't been there for all the birthdays. When they call out for me, it's not "Mommy" but "Katrina" that I hear.

And while I do love them dearly, I think that there is still a part of me that holds back. Because they already have a mother. A mother who loves them very much and knows all the favorite songs and foods and memories of their short lives. And I'll never be that or have those memories. These children can never be truly mine no matter how many meals I make or messes I clean up or tantrums I weather or hugs I give or get.

And since I'm being honest, I'll tell you that sometimes when Grace is crying and Isaac is whining and Olivia is angry with the world I wish Jared didn't have three kids. Why couldn't he have had just two? Wouldn't that be so much easier? This is where I get selfish. This is where I cry because I wonder how I'll be able to handle having my own children when I already have three to take care of who aren't even really mine. This is where I get angry at Jared's ex-wife for being the mother of Jared's kids. For having those three children in just 3 1/2 years even when their marriage was far from good. Yes, I have these thoughts. I'm not proud of them and when I'm not tired and emotional, they are rare.

But (and here's the gratitude part) I am grateful for the memories we are making now as a family. I am grateful for Olivia's cuddles and Isaac's kisses and Grace's hugs. I am grateful that I get to play on playgrounds and swing swings and run around in the grass without looking stupid. I am grateful that when asked by a new friend if she could come over, Olivia said she had to "ask her parents." And I am grateful that occasionally it is me Grace wants to help her with something even though Jared is near. And I am grateful that tonight Isaac told me, "I don't like you. I love you and like you!"

I am grateful that these children have accepted me not only as their father's wife, but also as a parent. I am grateful that they listen to me at least as well as they listen to their dad, though both could be improved! I am grateful for the laughter and joy they bring into my life.

And mostly I am grateful for my husband. I am grateful that he lets me cry without explanation and just holds me until I'm done. I'm grateful for the meals he cooks and the dishes he cleans and the trash he takes out. I am grateful that when he holds me close I feel rejuvenated and know that I can do this. I am grateful for the respect he shows me always. I am grateful for how appreciative he is of all I do. I am grateful that yesterday he prepared all three meals and let me spend most of the day reading a novel until I finished it. I'm grateful he didn't mind that when I took a trip to Wal-Mart (a store he refuses to shop at) to stock up on my favorite cereal (Great Grains Crunchy Pecans), I also stopped at Old Navy on the way home and spent 45 minutes perusing the store and picking out some new shorts. I'm grateful that he went and changed the laundry so that I can work on this post. I am grateful for all these ways and many more he shows me he loves me and appreciates me.

My life is no longer simple. But this is the life I chose. I knew what I was doing, although admittedly, even with the most informed choices you can still be surprised. But what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel sorry for myself. We all have our challenges. I just find it interesting that that which has brought me the most joy--marrying Jared--has also brought into my life the greatest challenges and trials I've faced in my 24 years. But I'll take these trials over most of the others out there. Being a step-mother isn't something I ever planned on, but I am grateful for what I'm learning. Grateful for the ways I am growing. Grateful that I am becoming a person I could never have become without Jared and his three children, who I now get to partly claim as my own.

poseurs

This is my little brother and sister, Nick and Hilary, at a "cheap trinket store" near Mount Rushmore. There were several of those dress-you-in-19th-century-western-garb- and-have-your-picture-taken places and Nick kept talking about wanting to do it. This is the cheap version. Try on some cowboy and indian souvenirs and snap a picture in the tourist trap. Do a little computer photo manipulation and here ya go! Not quite the same, but I think this is much funnier. Props to my sister Lauren for making them dress up and taking the picture.

my three little monkeys

Who could resist climbing trees like after a nice long walk?

These three little monkeys certainly couldn't.

first day of summer

WATERMELON!!!

We celebrated the first day of summer with some delicious watermelon.

Isaac enjoyed spitting out seeds.

Grace got quite messy.

And Olivia took two-handed bites.

Grace also showed us what will happen to the seeds she swallowed--a plant will grow right out of her bellybutton!

Summer Adventures: Part 2 June 9 - June 15

FAMILY VACATION

As a preamble to this blog, I must first explain what this vacation was supposed to be. It was supposed to be a trip to England and then perhaps a Mediterranean cruise, and then for sometime it was a trip to Hawaii--a place only my mother has been. But because my dad wouldn't make up his mind about details, this vacation turned into a trip to Minnesota with a stop in the Black Hills of South Dakota on the way. My dad's family lives in Minnesota and I haven't been there for five years. Nor have any of my dad's family met Jared, so overall it was a good time to visit. Plus, it was just really fun to be with my family, even if the locale wasn't all that exotic.

Jared and I flew to Denver on Friday night and met up with my family who drove there from New Mexico. The next day we drove to South Dakota where we stayed for two days. Here are the highlights:

Crazy Horse

This colossal rock carving has been in progress for about 50 years and still isn't even close to being finished. Here is a picture with what the monument is supposed to be eventually. As you can see.... at the rate they are going it's gonna take a couple hundred years to finish it.

In this picture you can see how far away from it we were. The thing is ridiculously huge!

I also had fun playing with my parent's new Canon.

















Next up...Mount Rushmore!
After checking into our hotel we headed over to Mount Rushmore. This wasn't my family's first trip to see the four large heads carved into the side of a mountain, but it was the first time we kids actually saw the monument. The first time we went five years ago, the mountain was covered in fog. We hung out for several hours: ate breakfast, went on a hike, perused the gift shop. But that darn fog wouldn't lift.

So this time, we were very happy to have a bright sunny day to see the monument.

Here's my first look:

And my second:

And here it is in all it's glory:

This one was taken through a crevice in a rock cave.And some of the fam:
(My dad being silly)

The next day we went on a hike. My mom and I had to laugh at the fact that the pine trees and gray rock looked very similar to the pine trees and gray rock surrounding my parents house in New Mexico. The only difference was that there is a lot of mica in the rock in the Black Hills, so the ground looks glittery. Unfortunately the glitter effect didn't show up in pictures. Oh, and the underbrush is greener thanks to high humidity.

I'm not sure why Lauren is so out of it in this picture.

Later that day we went on a trade ride through the black hills.

Minnesota

The next day we stopped in "The Cities" for the night and saw my dear friend Suzy and her husband Spencer. We had a delicious dinner at PF Changs. My sister's friend Ashley from high school met us there too.
The next morning we hit up Mall of America because my littler brother Nick really wanted to go. I was excited because I discovered they have an H&M and I got some sweet shirts!

Then it was up north to the Brainerd area to my grandparents house. Due to lack of space, Jared and I got to stay at a hotel nearby. We hung out with the extended family and got in a couple rounds of miniature golf--a Minnesota tradition and the only time we ever go miniature golfing.

After partially overhearing a conversation between me and my mom about how this shirt could lead people to think I'm pregnant, my grandma did indeed ask me if I was pregnant. No, I am not, although I admit this shirt would come in handy in the event. I got it from H&M and I love it!

Backyard at my grandparents:

Here is their lake (my dad took these photos):

Here is an inside shot (from left to right: my cousin Travis, my grandma's cousin and her husband, my grandma and my grandpa)


This one is at Serpent Lake near my Aunt Kris's house:

Sadly, I just realized I don't have the pictures we took of the whole family out by the lake. So this is it. The trip home, we drove to Nebraska the first day and then Jared and I got dropped off in Denver on Saturday. We flew back to Salt Lake and are now in Provo with the kids for the rest of the summer. Good to be caught up!