did you know?

I read a very chilling New York Times article today: Telling the Stories Behind the Abortions. It is about a female doctor, Dr. Susan Wicklund, who has spent most of her career performing abortions. She wrote a book titled This Common Secret: My Journey as an Abortion Doctor.

The NYT article shares a few of her experiences, some very horrifying, and some astounding statistics. Such as "that at current rates almost 40 percent of American women have an abortion during their child-bearing years, a figure supported by the Guttmacher Institute, which researches reproductive health policy." I had no idea it was that high.

I have no intention of starting an abortion debate here, but I am curious about one thing. With the abortion rate that high, it pretty much guarantees that everyone knows at least one person who has had one. But I am curious, how many of you actually do know that someone in your life has had an abortion? As for me, I only know of one person for sure.

redheaded prejudices

I recently came across this June article from BBC News Magazine called, "Is gingerism as bad as racism?" (For anyone unaware, Britons refer to red hair as "ginger".) The article says that in Britain redheads are often the butt of jokes and mocked without the same fuss made over racist or sexist jokes. "In adult life, women get stereotyped and red-haired men take much of the worst abuse. Treatment of red-haired children in school ranges from mild taunts to grim persecution."

The article also speaks of photographer Charlotte Rushton, a redhead, is working on a book called Ginger Snaps. She says that of the 300 redheads she chronicled, only 2 have never been bullied because of their hair!

Interestingly, this seems to be a uniquely British problem. Rushton says: "In other countries redheads will get teased at school but it stops when they become adults. If you are a woman you are fiery and alluring, beautiful."

And Michael Elliot, an American who runs a British children's charity, says: "There is nothing like this in the US where having red hair is not a precursor to having someone abuse you. Red hair is considered glamorous."

As a redhead, I must say that it what I have found. Other than being asked if I have a bad temper (I don't), or the one stupid 14 year old boy who asked me a highly inappropriate and personal question regarding my hair in 9th grade, I have never been made fun of because I'm "ginger haired". In fact, it's exactly the opposite. Since I was a child, I've had strangers comment on my hair. One old man in a Cleveland grocery store even touched my head in disbelief when I was about 4 years old. And my husband certainly is enchanted by it.

But I have also felt that for some red hair is either loved or hated. I found that especially true for guys. Some are either very attracted to it, or aren't really at all. I had a hair stylist once who told me that when she first lived in Provo, she had her hair super blonde. As a blonde, she would get asked out all the time. But after she colored her hair red (and it was really cute, as was she), she got asked out way less. Interesting, don't you think? Of course, this was also in Provo, where for those of us who have lived there, blonde does seem to be the hair color of choice, whether natural or not.

I also think that there is a double standard for male redheads. I will be the first to admit, that I think there are way fewer good-looking red-haired guys than red-haired girls. I wonder why we think that. Of course, I've just never been attracted to guys with red hair. It always seemed like just too much of a good thing. And I felt like people would think we were related.

So while the prejudices aren't nearly as bad here in the US, perhaps they do still exist. What do you think? I know there are some redheads out there reading this! Have you guys ever been picked on because of your hair? For the rest of you, have you ever felt there was a prejudice against redheads?

follow up

I decided that instead of putting all this in a comment, I would just comment on your comments to the movie post in another post. Got it? :-) And this way I can save it and write when I get a minute.

I really want to thank everyone again for reading my lengthy post and for your comments. I enjoy these types of discussions, especially when everyone is respectful of each other. I feel that was the case here, and I greatly appreciate that. I knew I would probably be in the minority with my views on this, and I'm grateful for how open-minded you all were while still expressing your differing opinions. In case anyone was worried, I was not in the least offended by any of the comments.

Now for some specific responses:

Kayli: I appreciate what you said about keeping things in perspective. That at the end of the day what does it matter if we miss a movie or two? I think remembering that can help us make better movie choices. I also do really appreciate the artistry in film and it's ability to inform, so I will probably continue to walk the line here.

Rachael: On obedience, I hear what you are saying and I think one will definitely be blessed for obedience with or without questioning. But on the other hand, I think it's also good to understand why we do things. And to understand the Spirit of the law. I also think that the Gospel is bigger than "the rules" and it's important for some to think about things more. I think one can be blessed either way. There are many types of people in the Church.

Suzy: I really appreciate that you brought up your "sensitivity" to certain material. I think that it is really important to be self-aware in this area. Movies are a powerful form of media and can certainly get things stuck in our heads, so to say, both good and bad. I think it's important to have respect for its influential power.

'Mom': Thank you for commenting. It's fun to know different people are reading my blog! I appreciate the insight of one who has lived more life than me and raised children. And yes, I do agree that part of sustaining our leaders is heeding their counsel.

Anonymous: Thanks for that quote! I actually was trying to find it and couldn't. One could certainly argue with me on this, but I do think that we have to take into account that this was 20 years ago. The way movies are rated has changed. (Also remember that foreign movies don't have American ratings.) So I still feel good about my decision to choose movies by more than just ratings. If you notice, the counsel today rarely specifies a rating but more general principles. Although yes, I do think that most R-rated movies fall in the category of movies we should avoid.

Emily: I'm glad you took your time to think about this. I have certainly spent a lot of time thinking about all this the past few days. And I, too, have been really disappointed when a movie looks so good and ends up being R. There are so many stories that can be told without all the smut.

e.g.: I'm so glad that you commented again and clarified what you meant! I apologize for reading more into your comment than you intended. Again, when I said I was watching that movie, I honestly didn't think about how it would appear. (Although my husband says he did when he saw it.) But I don't want to be hypocritical either, so I don't regret putting it there and launching this whole discussion. Your comment obviously did make me think, so thank you for that. I can't help but still feel the sting of judgment a little. But again, my blog is public and therefore I am willing to take the comments people leave.

Autumn: Wow, that is so crazy and sad that you have seen so much heartache firsthand. I agree that pornography is absolutely one of Satan's GREATEST tools. It has sunk into our culture and infiltrated everything. I am also not a fan of graphic sex scenes. I think that filmmakers should practice subtlety! We all have imaginations and can understand what's going on without being shown every detail. What I'm thinking about right now is, what effect does immoral behavior portrayed in movies (i.e. premarital sex) have on us even if it isn't explicitly shown? This is usually the case in movies. I can think of only a few instances where the "sex scene" in the movie was between married partners. But that is a commentary on our society. There just plain aren't that many people anymore who wait until marriage.

Several of you recommended screen it.com. Jared also recommends kids-in-mind.com. You don't have to be a member for it. These are good to find out what exactly is in the movie. Although, does anyone else ever feel that reading everything is almost as bad as seeing it? I've just noticed that on a couple movies I've seen they explicitly describe things I barely remember because I either didn't notice them or they were so brief I didn't realize what was going on. Anyway, I do think these sites are very useful tools for the most part.

Thanks again for all those who participated in my little discussion. I'd love to hear any more thoughts you all have. I do have a couple really good movie recommendations I am going to write about soon. Great stories and rated PG!!! So stay tuned for those!

the R-rated post

This post is going to deal with a controversial subject. (Just thought I'd get that out there.) It's not controversial to most of the world but it certainly is among those of us who profess to belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And so before I even begin, I ask all of you to read this with open minds and to withhold judgments as much as possible. My intention here is to open a dialogue and to share my thoughts on the subject of movie ratings and movie choices.

For those reading who are not Mormon, let me give you some perspective on why this can be a controversial topic. Leaders of the LDS church have cautioned its members, and rightly so, to be very careful about what media we allow in our lives. More specifically they have cautioned us against watching R-rated movies. Many members of the LDS Church live by the rule that they never watch R-rated movies. I, however, do not live by this rule.

I am writing this post because this subject has been on my mind lately for a couple of reasons. First, I have been watching a lot of movies lately (thanks to Netflix) with a variety of ratings. I have noticed how ratings often tell us little about what is actually in the film. More on that in a bit. Secondly, a week or so ago I wrote a little post saying that my husband and I had gone to the temple (the most sacred place for Latter-day Saints to worship and make covenants) in the morning and that that night we were going to watch Shopgirl, which happens to be rated R. I didn't make an issue of this, in fact, I didn't even think about it. I was just telling about my day. The next day, however, someone (I don't know who he/she is) left this comment:

"Hmm...temple in the morning, rated-R movie at night. Interesting."

Perhaps I am misinterpreting this, but it seems to me that this person is implying that we are hypocrites for attending the temple and watching this movie in the same day. Or perhaps that because we watch some movies that are rated R we should not be worthy to attend the temple. How judgmental!

Now before I go any further, I want to make something very clear. I am not writing this post to try to convince everyone to make the same choices I do. I have A LOT of respect for people who choose not to watch movies rated R or PG-13. I see the wisdom in this choice. What I have a problem with are people who look down at those who have chosen otherwise, at people who unfairly judge those who look beyond the rating and try to make an informed decision about what we watch.

Because the thing is, the American ratings system is far from perfect. The movie that Jared and I watched last Friday called Shopgirl is rated R. It is definitely a movie for an adult audience. It is not however, some graphic, satanic movie. It is melancholy and sweet and sad and real. It is about adults in adult situations. Adults who have sex (very little is shown) and adults who make some poor choices and some good choices. There is some very brief nudity. You do see Claire Danes nude from behind. But let me remind you that we saw more in the PG-13 Titanic. There was very little swearing and the f-word was never used. When it was over, I was actually surprised it was rated R, except for that it was very much a movie targeted at an audience over 17. Most teenagers would have been very bored.

Jared and I really liked it. I had read the novella by Steve Martin that the movie is based on and enjoyed that. I knew what this movie was about. I think the story is quite realistic and interesting, albeit very quiet and slow at times. The characters grow and learn and develop and become better people by the end. The movie helped me appreciate my life and my husband and made me grateful for the love and friendship we share. I do not at all regret watching it.

I can't say that about every movie I've ever watched. I have definitely made some poor choices in the past. As a teenager I certainly watched a few movies that didn't leave me at all the better for it. During my college years, I really tried to stay away from rated R movies. I watched very few. But as I've grown and matured, I have softened my views. I try to approach my movie watching very maturely and inform myself about the movie before watching it. (Our favorite reviewer is the Movie Mom She is so smart and funny with her reviews, and she also generally explains why the movie received its rating and provides discussion points for families.)

I know of people who only watch movies that they'd feel comfortable letting their children watch. I respect that decision whole-heartedly. But I prefer to live by the guideline to avoid movies I wouldn't want my children watching as adults. I really enjoy film as an art form. I think films can be very powerful teachers. They can take us to places we could never go. They show us worlds we'd never see otherwise. They inform us about people's lives, giving us a glimpse into what other's think and feel. Perhaps even giving us a taste of empathy.

Real life is rated R. Real life isn't always pretty and happy and nice. Real life has war and sex and swearing and abusers and bad people and good people too. Sometimes in order to tell a story honestly you have to include things that will give the film an R rating, which means it is not appropriate for children. But I am not a child. And sometimes it's good to see the reality of life.

Of course I believe in limits. I don't have to see every explicit detail to understand what's going on. And there have been times when I have been very disappointed in filmmakers because they have included graphic content that did not advance the story whatsoever. I would love to see that practice stopped. I also freely use my fast forward button when watching movies at home to skip over such content. (I don't remember the last time I saw an R-rated movie in the theater.) There are also A LOT of R-rated movies that I choose not to watch, and PG-13 ones for that matter. That is my choice, and I don't condemn those who watch more than me.

I guess the point I am trying to make with all this is that we each have the freedom to choose for ourselves, and I think we should be open-minded enough to allow each other that freedom without making judgments on how good a person they are. I also think we should look beyond ratings. There are plenty of PG-13 movies out there that I don't want to watch and some R movies that I do. I wonder if I had said we were watching some raunchy PG-13 rated comedy last Friday if the aforementioned person would have left their comment.

So what are your thoughts on movie ratings? Why do you watch or don't watch certain movies? What resources do you use to make informed choices?

selfless love

I have several blog posts that are itching to get out of my brain and into the blogosphere, but they will have to wait. Stay tuned. For today, I want to throw out some food for thought. This afternoon, Jared and I have been discussing love. Specifically, love between spouses. And I posed this question to him which I now pose to you: What do you love about your spouse (or anyone very close to you) that is separate from yourself?

There are many reasons why we love people, and I honestly do think that a large portion of these is because it benefits us in some way. The root is in someway selfish. But if you take away all those things, if you remove yourself from the equation, if you look at your best friend as just a person and not your husband/wife, or the father/mother of your children, or the person who cleans your house, or provides for your sustenance, or cooks you delicious meals, etc... what do you see? What do you love? What is it about this person, about who they are in their core, that you love?

That is what we are thinking about today at our house. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject and your answer to the question. It can apply to more than just a spouse--your parents, your siblings, your best friend... I'm interested to know what you all love about the people closest to you.