Wednesday, October 31, 2007

independent woman?

I have always fancied myself as being fairly independent. I think it comes with being an oldest child. I didn't have older siblings to show me the way, so I had to figure most things out for myself. I have never been the type to have a friend with me at all times. I enjoy being alone sometimes. I certainly was not the sort of girl who thought she always needed a boyfriend. I have always been pretty self-confident-- or at least faked it when I wasn't. During my dating years I was never a clingy girlfriend. While I certainly enjoyed spending time with boyfriends, I didn't have to be with them every minute. In fact, not spending every free minute with them insured that they wouldn't get on my nerves.

My dad is a surgeon. For a large chunk of my childhood he was in residency, aka he resided mostly at the hospital. When Dad was "on call" that meant we didn't see him for a few days. My poor mother was basically a single mom for those 5 years. And although it's not nearly as bad once a doctor is out of residency, my father still works a lot. It's just part of the job description. There are always lives to save, right?

So, I always thought that I would marry someone who worked a lot--a doctor or a lawyer or some such thing. Because that is what I knew. One of my ex-boyfriend's was a pilot-in-training and airline pilots are usually gone for a few days and then home for a few days. I totally thought I'd be able to handle to that. No biggie. I am independent, right? Sure it would be hard to have my husband gone, but that would just make the time together all the better. So I thought.

Well, then I met Jared and realized I could marry someone that wouldn't be gone all the time. The majority of Jared's work can be done from home. And even when he's a full-fledged professor, that will still be the case. What a revelation! And although we spent much of our courtship in different timezones, since we've been married we have had an inordinate amount of time together. It's ridiculous actually. But totally great. We just love being together. Duh! And even when I'm at work, we are on gmail chat since we both work on the computer all day. So we are almost always in communication. Like I said--ridiculous.

Well I'm sure you can see what I'm getting at. Jared has been away since Saturday morning and I'm going crazy. I hate this. This is the first time since last Christmas, which was before we were married, that we have spent a day apart. The fun parts of him being gone--like going shopping and watching dvd's he wouldn't want to-- I was done with by Saturday afternoon. For the past three days I have just been totally lonely. I hate going to bed by myself. I hate waking up by myself. I keep looking for him to hug or kiss, and then I remember he's not here. I have been super emotional too. This is probably mostly to blame on hormones (it's that time of month), but I have cried every night.

What is wrong with me? What happened to the independent girl I once was? My only explanation is that I fell in love. For real. And I got used to being close to my love. I joined my soul with his and now with him so far away, I feel like my soul is stretched thin. I miss him. My body misses him. I want him back.

Fortunately, tomorrow night he will be back. Hallelujah! I'm sure most of you are thinking I am a big baby. I know for a fact that a lot of you have spent much more time away from your husbands. How do you handle it? I'd like to know. Because even though his being away is for an excellent cause (spending time with the chil'ens), I absolutely HATE having him away. It sucks.

We will definitely be doing a lot of this tomorrow night:


  1. oh, i sympathize with you. the first time we were apart was when we'd been married for about a year and a half, and i was the one who got to go to Texas for three days for a conference. i was fine, actually, because i was super busy the whole time, but Neil had a hard time...and then ever since I've been the "left behind" one and it's hard!!! although most recently i visited my parents for a week and my dad asked if i wanted to stay another week and neil said NO! come back and restore my sanity!

    i think even though the two of us don't spend as much time together as we did when we were first married, mostly because we both are so busy, it's hardest for me not having him there to talk to at night when we're falling asleep. i reached out for him in the hospital when i had Jules and started crying when I realized he wasn't there.

    so yeah, i don't really handle it or anything, but i sympathize!

  2. Nothing at all wrong with you! And if there is, it's wrong with me too, because after lots of years being married I still hate being away from my love. Handling it for me usually means sleeping on the couch because the bed's too lonesome, staying up too late because what's the point of going to bed, eating poorly because there's nobody to share a nice meal with, etc. Pathetic! Good books, bubble baths, movies, time with friends, long walks—they help, but they're no true compensation.

    Enjoy your kisses tomorrow.

  3. i feel for you. i woke up saturday morning with my arm around david's pillow. i guess i had pulled it close to me during the night. oh how i missed him!

    not to be a downer, but i don't think it gets any easier with time. my dad still kind of falls apart when my mom goes out of town over night.

  4. It makes me happy to see so many people as much in love as we are. :-) Katrina, I miss you and am so excited to see you tomorrow! See and the other four too.

  5. I know how you feel! Spencer and I have been apart for several weeks at a time, but just a few weekends ago he went on a 1 night camp-out with the Elder's quorom (sp?) and I was so bummed!! Two summers ago when he went to Cali to sell and left me in Provo to finish spring semester of school, I totally bawled when he started driving away. But then about 10 minutes later he called me and we chatted for a while (I think he was concerned for my emotional welfare). That continued on and off for his entire 10 hour drive! Somehow being able to talk whenever we wanted helped close the distance between us.

  6. I know this is totally off topic, but I watched Pushing Up Daisies last night and am happy to report that I enjoyed it! It was actually laugh out loud funny at some parts, and the colour scheme (is that the right term?) was really pretty. Will probably be tuning in next week to watch again! Thanks :)

  7. OH!!! Those feelings are WAY too close to the surface. 11 weeks apart this summer (minus weekends)-YUCK. The first time Jake went away for a night after we were married I felt SO empty. Not only lonely but strangely empty. Once I got so scared I asked a friend if I could sleep at her house. I slept on the floor, she was in the bed. The next morning I woke up-in her bed-next to her. I was scared stiff. I didn't flinch and said "Lisa, I'm in bed!!" (Wow, profound?!) She said "Yeah, I know. And last night you gave me a kiss on the cheek." AHHHHHHHH!!! I'm just glad I didn't try to squeeze his cute cheeks (or if I did she was kind enough not to tell me.)

  8. Even after eight years I still miss my sweet lover terribly when he's gone. Of course, most of it's because I have three small boys to take care of and I'm the world's biggest wimp. I FREAK out, literally, I am paralyzed with fear when he leaves. After 11pm I can't take it. My friend comes to stay with me now because it's better than me calling her at 1am scared to death. So, you're not at all unusual, and no, it never gets better... :( I bake and cook, cook and bake. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. So, if someone breaks into my house to get me I can feed them to death. It's embarrassing.

  9. Thank you for all your comments, ladies (and Jared)! It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in my feelings of aloneness. :-) And it's so wonderful to see that there are lots of people SO in love with their husbands! Love is great!

  10. Hey, thanks for commenting on my blog...I enjoyed reading this post. You're a good writer :)

    I'm glad it's the end of his trip so you get to see him soon. Being away from each other too long sucks big time.

    Oh and man you're pretty...I love your red hair :)

  11. Ariana, You are so sweet! I'm a sucker for compliments. ;-) Thanks for checking out my blog!

  12. Funny that you commented on my blog today because I just checked yours this morning. I'm looking forward to seeing your wedding pictures when you get the digitals.